I remember crying on the day I had received my matric results, the unthinkable happened! I passed with only one distinction – very disappointing! Even more disappointing because it was a Life Orientation distinction (the importance of the subject content is debatable). I was unhappy and nothing anybody told me could make me feel better about my predicament. “Some people did not pass at all” were the words I heard as close family and friends tried to comfort me. In retrospect, my decision to upgrade my matric marks had more to do with the fact that I was battling to accept the outcome of my hard work, this was because the perceived results were different than what met me in the newspaper.

Black excellence has been something I have always wanted my name attached to, from the moment I realised that there are those ‘rare’ individuals who push all boundaries and become victorious in life. It was a motivation. This “cult” consists of over-achievers who for example have passed matric with 7 or more distinctions, they are the first to do something or they just did it against all odds. They seem to have a smooth transition into university and they are above average people with above average results, academically speaking.

My motto in life has always been to give the very best of my ability. However, there has been a gap in my life between what I considered to be satisfactory results of my hard work and what was the actual result. By that I mean, after I give it my all, how satisfied would I be with the results I get? What if the results do not equate to my expectations?

At one point I remember telling a nurse that I had an iron-deficiency, which causes people to feel extremely tired. Well, my body’s response had nothing to do with my iron levels but it was just telling me that I needed a rest – just to give you a picture of what I meant by hard work. It included late nights of studying amongst other things.

Today, I have learnt to be detached with outcomes, but to focus on what I can do. Yes, I am setting goals. My goal is not to get a 70% for the assignment but rather to give everything I have in doing my assignment. My next action will be to accept the results as they are. To acknowledge the work, I put in. Funny how I had to learn this through a failed attempt at upgrading. There are many times that we think to ourselves “sheesh, I could have done better”, but how many times are we going to repeat things if we have the opportunity, in an effort to prove to ourselves that we can match certain standards of excellence that maybe we also did not decide for ourselves.

We are all different in our strengths and weaknesses, surely my measure of what excellence is differs from person B. Maybe my best hard work afforded me a 40% in maths (well, it kind of did) and that is okay. I, for one, was consumed in wanting to do the best in science and math, simply because previous generations could not have that opportunity to do it.  I forgot to explore my strengths. I believed that being successful was if I became a Lawyer or Doctor, like many kids may believe.

During the year of attempting to upgrade my marks, I learnt a lot about myself and the possibilities of what I imagined my future to look like changed. The new school and new people gave me a new perspective on life. Although I did not make it into the media’s representation of black excellence, I believe that achievements are a personal thing.

And yes, I do consider myself to be black and very much excellent in my thoughts and my holistic way of being.